Certain events of late are driving me toward drink, and not in a good "a glass of red wine a day keeps the doctor away" kind of way. There are people who refuse to believe the truth, even when it's in front of them. More then that, they attack the bearers of that truth for the simple reason that they don't like that possibility, and the bearer is a tad artless. Nevertheless, there are times when I simply want to curl up and die. There is nothing good about the situation I walk back into tomorrow night, and to be frank, that wouldn't change if it were nothing more then thesis and comps. But the fact of the matter is that it's like walking back into an intellectual war zone, and that's just the student body. Rumors in general are worse this year, and the proctors are rendered more impotent then I remember from my underclassmen days. The whole situation stinks to high heaven, and there's nothing to be done.

I do not want to return
I cannot do work
I cannot think
I cannot eat that food
I cannot live in that building
I cannot stay with most of those people

And yet?
I will return
I will do work
I will try to think
I will choke down food
I will live in that building, and have to stay with those people.

Why is it that an undergraduate degree is war now? And why is it that with everything going on, I still know that I'm in one of the best situations going for an undergrad? After all, I'm guaranteed to be out in four years. But oh those last few months... Is it always like this? Do things that were once delightful always turn sour? And was it always like this, back even thirty years? I'm sure to a large degree it was, but still... I ache, I am weary, and try though I may, I cannot seem to force myself further. I have been sick since Christmas morning and working 30 hour weeks through it, where I must be the picture of chipper. It takes a toll on a body, any body, and mine was already worn clean through.

So why do I dread my journey so? Why do I start to tear at the thought of return? I'll tell you one thing: Dostoevsky is only part of it...