Memo:

To: Arizona Drivers

From: Me

Regarding: Your driving "skillz"

Now, I consider myself a patient girl. I have endured California drivers, Massachusetts drivers, New Hampshire drivers, and the occasional Maine/Vermont driver. I endured tourista season in San Diego with valiant effort. And yet, I find myself facing the toughest challenge yet: your driving.

A few helpful reminders:

• The limit line is, in fact, NOT the line furthest from you. That's the edge of the cross walk. You know, where all those pesky pedestrians can often be found? Yeah, stopping at that line in the middle of the biggest/busiest intersection in town when you're in the left hand turn lane? It's what we call "recipe for disaster"
• Speaking of that left hand turn lane? So not necessary to nearly run me over in that lane on your way to the lane furthest to the right in your direction of travel.
• Turn signals-- look into it. They aren't just for decoration anymore!
• Riding my ass (metaphorically speaking) will not make me go faster. The fact that you would like to go 50 mph in a school zone is not my problem.
• Please do not blast loud rap or R&B near my mother. I'm not going to be held responsible for her rolling down all the windows and blasting NPR or Bach right back at you. It's embarrassing for all of us.
• Red means stop. Green means go. Yellow means get your ass out of my way.
• A neighborhood street being undivided does not mean that you get to drive down the middle.
• Pulling out into the middle of the road and stopping in the face of oncoming traffic? Well, let's just say it also falls under "recipe for disaster"
• You do not, by divine right, birth right, Constitutional right, or any other right, possess the power to always go first. Nor can you always run stop signs or red lights. This is how bad things happen.
• Traffic laws are not something that can or should be protested. Just live with it.
• A side note: running over the barista on your way to get into Starbucks isn't really going to help you get your coffee. In fact, it will generally impede that activity. So knock it off.

Hopefully you'll all remember these hints in the future so that my blood pressure can return to normal and I can start sweating the small stuff again. Oh hell, it's the desert, I'd like to get back to just normal sweating with no cause other than the weather.

You know you love me,
XOXO,
Coffee girl